You hurt me, we both know this to be true. Hurt me in a way that’s not easily forgivable.
“Some people aren’t strong enough to deal with this hurt, and stop reading the book before knowing how it ends.”
But how can I stop reading while knowing our story may have many more incredible chapters ahead of us? Am I strong enough? Will I be able to jump start this old engine and drive away from this car wreck without glancing back in my rear-view mirror? Will I be able to escape successfully from this prison I’ve created inside of my head or will I be recaptured and locked back up with an even longer jail sentence?
My stomach drops below the ground like an elevator to hell when I think of her. My image of what she is has transformed into the nightmare I envision while pacing around in my own prison, unable to sleep. She’s much like a hideous two-headed monster whose slime-dripping fangs have once taken a bite into you. She took something from me; however, she is completely unaware of my feelings towards her or that she did anything that caused any reaction. She expected maybe a ripple in the water; however, it’s more like a whirlpool that has the potential to drown us both as we get sucked under. Will we be able to make it to shore safely without one of us drowning? When it comes down to it though, my blame shouldn’t be aimed toward her. You were there, and had your own free-will. Your actions were nothing but your own, nevertheless. She didn’t force herself onto you; however, she started the initiation. Even though you regret it, and it hurts you more than it hurts me, will I be able to move past it and look towards the warmth of the sun while walking out of this damp and treacherous thunder storm?
Will there be a point where I no longer see her when I look at you? Sometimes when you touch me, I can’t help but wonder if you touched her in the same way. I care for you, but this is way more painful than I can almost bear. It’s not just the act of what you did, it’s who you decided to do that act with; although, this would hurt either way. You gave yourself away to someone who anyone could reach. Easy access like the item that’s stocked on the bottom shelf. Her hotel is always open for vacancy; however, this is likely due to many low rated reviews, but a hotel like this is often used because it’s cheap, an easy last resort, and it’s highly accessible if you’re in desperate need for shelter. However, nobody really is thrilled to have stayed there and doesn’t stay for a long visit, because the hotel isn’t equip for a long stay.
What hurts is that you went there, and you rejected me, but you didn’t reject her at the time it happened. It hurts that you’d sell yourself to someone like her, and now you’re expecting me to buy you back? I cannot factory reset our love after everything that’s happened. I cannot reverse the sand of the hourglass from falling in the way it already did.
“You made your decisions and now you’re going to have to walk through the fire.”
I may or may not be on the other side, but that’s the chance you took when you gave yourself to someone else. You may get burnt, but how else in life do you learn? Children learn the same way, they may burn their hand, but they learn to never touch a hot pan without an oven mitt again. The same thing applies to everything you ever will learn that hurts you. It may be a terrible experience, but you always come out of it with more knowledge than you did going in.
You are like the most beautiful sunset I’ve ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes upon; however, I can spot an upcoming storm in the distance, it’s her, and I can’t yet figure out if I can handle the boom of the thunder and efficiently dodge the lightning. I may have to seek shelter so I don’t get struck.
“Our situation is a bolt of lightning in an otherwise unbelievably beautiful landscape.”
You know how they say lightning only strikes once in one area? She represents that lightning that has unfortunately struck in my favorite place, a park bench in the middle of the park where we used to go to. There is still a burn mark from the unforeseeable strike, and it’s just not exactly the same as it was before. The bench now has been split in the middle, which separates the two of us as we sit. Will we be able to fix the bench back to the way it was before?
I just don’t know what to do or if I should continue down this sidewalk when I don’t know where it’ll take me, or should I return back home where I feel most safe from the outside world? I feel like my feet are planted in the ground, hesitant to look forward to the future, which might consist of an abundance of pain and healing; but at the same time, I’m scared to look back, because what I’d witness would be far too traumatic to see. I’d some a hideous two-headed monster trying to swallow you whole, and with her fangs puncturing your skin. Some things can’t be erased or unseen.
“Should I stay where I’m at unsure of where the sidewalk ends or go back home?”
I thought you were better than what your decisions imply. Why would you allow to sell your house way below your property value? You are left with an unnecessary loss that could have easily been avoided. When someone is handing out free samples, does it ever make you wonder if it’s because there is something off about the product? That there is something wrong with it? Doesn’t that make you question taking this potentially tainted product? This isn’t the same as test driving a car, because in that situation there was a prior conscious decision to possibly buy the car before you arrived at the lot.
“When people give themselves up like free samples in the mall, nobody is going to want to have any more than just a taste.”
Why pay for something when it could be handed out for free? Why put a price tag on something that is so easy to obtain? All you have to do is walk by and someone will keep handing you one.
“I am more like the queen, the most valued piece to have in chess, which makes it a favorably useful piece to capture.”
I have the most power over all chess pieces for I am the hardest to defeat due to my unrestricted moves. You are knowingly putting yourself at risk as you chase me across the board, but you don’t care, because the outcome outweighs the risk.
“If only we could eventually be the king and queen on the same team.”
We could rule over our chess board together while overlooking black and white tiles that go on for eternity; every inch being completely ours.
I just want you to know that I do forgive you for your poor judgement in your decision.
“You are only human, just like me. We are not robots, and just because I love you, I don’t expect you to be perfect.”
As humans we harbor more complex emotions that we still don’t completely understand. What hurts the most over-all is that you knew I loved you when the dreaded event occurred. You knew I loved you when the storm hit our otherwise clear skies. You knew I loved you, and that scared you. Scared you to the point of running into a situation where there was no love required. But at the same time, you thought I was long gone when it happened.
“You were grieving my loss, even if you were the one to let me go and watch me float away into the atmosphere, like you had just released a balloon.”
You were grieving your decision, I was gone, potentially forever, free to be someone else’s, when I used to be yours and only yours. You hated that you let your fear get the best of you, and it led you to lose something that you weren’t aware was more important to you than you had once thought. At the time, all I made you feel was a jumble of strange emotions that you’ve never felt before, but now that you had some time to process them, you realize that you loved me all along. But now it’s too late, so you’re going to have to settle for the ones who hand out the free samples or own high-vacancy hotels, because you’ll never encounter this exact feeling from someone else again. Sure you’d love again, but every love is different and this is your only taste of it, so you grieve very poorly as you come to the realization that you will never have that same exact snowflake again, because you let it melt from being too careless with something so fragile and delicate.
You knew you loved me and touched someone else. This is a reason to ponder my next move before I merge onto the highway at full speed, because I’m only comfortable with cruising in low speed limit areas for now. This situation is like driving a car with a stick shift for the first time, while never being taught how to use one before-hand. I’m teaching myself and learning by experience for this situation has no set guidelines, and no directions to follow. Is this a situation that results in no second chances, no overlooking? It depends on the person and situational circumstances. Will I be able to forget the past? Maybe I won’t be able to get my sails up in time to use the forceful winds of this situation to glide my boat into the future smoothly.
“How do I know we haven’t reached the point of no-return?”
Will our ship just free-fall off the edge of the earth for the rest of existence, never to reach the bottom? Or will we be able to find an island of paradise to live the rest of our lives in happiness?
What it all comes down to is that this decision is completely my own. Nobody can tell me what is the right or wrong path to go down. Unfortunately, every path in walking distance is either dark or heavily overgrown, so I know whatever path I choose will be not an easy journey. I just have to remember that I can always make the decision to turn around if the trail ends abruptly.
“I want to share a happy life with you; Sail away from everything together.”
Both watching this situation keep getting further and further in the distance as we’re moving forward into the sunset. Does our future consist of another rainstorm or clear skies? We’ll just have to wait and see.