Life’s hardballs and Just Pure Luck

The Bad:

This past month has been a very tough one for me to stay sane…So much impacting stuff has occurred seemingly all at once. Yay me…

I am going through a long-term relationship break-up.

My man-thing of nearly 2 years breaks things off for absolutely ridiculous and selfish reasons. To smash an anvil on my head he did it 2 weeks after my birthday…  His reasons were to move out with his brother instead of moving out with me…He like freaked out and ended things suddenly. I found out through his friends he moved out already and didn’t even tell me even though we still were on friendly terms. So that’s why he hasn’t invited me over lately I thought. It was absolutely devastating. Fast forward 4 weeks, now he’s acting all like he wants me back…That’s hard because I never wanted to break up in the first place, I really thought he was it. I wanted to be with him for years, but I can’t devalue myself by going back to someone that devalued me in their actions and obviously had little respect for my feelings…I’m worth so much more than that! It’s still really hard though…It’s like if you figured this out weeks ago we would still be together doofus!

But here’s where I’m at, he made his decisions and he choose the life he’s living, the one without me in it. HE choose this. He can’t have me and not have me at the same time. He’s going to have to live with his decisions (and his brother ) and NOT me. Why the hell would I want someone that didn’t want me?! He told me when we broke up that he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now, but then said he wanted something different than us… Buddy that’s still a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p! and insulting to my heart that you just smashed like a bug under your shoe! This is conjecture- so you’re not as successful on the single scene and you’re trying to come back to me!? No sir! You made your bed…without me in it…, now lay in it…ALONE!!!

A stalker was found sleeping in my yard.

The guy who has been harassing me and stalking my sister for a year was found passed out drunk in my yard…He had an internet obsession with my sister and met her only once…Because he found out where she went and went there until he ran into her…When she didn’t seem interested in him he blamed me for them not dating (he is mentally ill). He found my number through voting records and found my address through white pages. I would off and on get harassing messages through different medias. When the police found him curled up like a cat on my welcome mat… he kept saying “I can’t believe I ended up in (my sister’s name)’s yard”. He had been around my house that whole night while I slept…I have to face him in court in 2 months…And to put lemon juice in my stab wounds the court date is my would be anniversary with the current ex. And guess what!? He’s my best witness in my case…Ugh the humanity!!

I saw a dead stranger minutes after she died…

She was riding her bike when a 18-wheeler was turning and both didn’t see the other. I saw the scene before police or an ambulance arrived. I saw her face and gasped. I saw no life. There was no gore or blood. It just looked like she was knocked off of her bike. I later saw pictures when she was well alive. It’s weird how different people seem in life to how they are in death. An example is like with unreported missing Tammy Jo Alexander who we only knew for decades as the unidentified Cali Doe. The accident victim was only 20 and was a newly wed who was on her way to work when she got hit. The driver of the 18 wheeler might get charged, which I think is wrong since it was purely an accident and he was so distraught it even happened. She was in his blind spot. I feel for the driver and her widow.

My idol and secret love of my life died suddenly.

Chris Cornell died at 52. I named my blog after a Soundgarden song for those that don’t know. I feel for his beautiful family and band members right now. It’s absolutely devastating since it could have been prevented. I know the dangers of anxiety/depression meds. I had to take them as a teenager. That’s what the school system did to me. I had trouble with anxiety after I entered a public high school after attending a very small private school for years. It was an overwhelming switch. From 8:30am-3:30pm each day my body was so stressed and anxious I was in constant fight or flight mode. It was too much on my body and I just wasn’t adjusting. So I quit going and the school system decided to make me take meds and throw me back in the school head first. The meds made my life worse and even some of them exaggerated my anxiety and depression. Some of the meds even changed my personality, it was scary! I got off of the stuff after 5 years of hell and never resorted to it again! I’ve found that exercise, deep breathing, avoiding too much caffeine in stressful situations, and being in nature helps my anxiety. I’ve striven better without meds then I did on them. I’m just so glad I got to see Soundgarden a few years ago. I had an opportunity to see them weeks before it happened unfortunately, but I had to work a double the next day and I would have had to drive 4 hours there and then back alone. He was my favorite musician and also my favorite vocalist of all time!

Say hello 2 heaven Chris Cornell.

My mom’s husband is already interfered with my happiness during our move.

We are moving to a new place in a few weeks. I still live at home and dread it. Remember the boyfriend I had screw me out of moving out! I’m pissed! I had been preparing to move out with him for 10 months now and he goes and ends things to live with his brother instead…GRRR!!! All that for nothing and I’m stuck in a bad situation for a while. I wish I had a back-up plan or something! I’m stuck living in an unbearable living situation (yep it’s so bad I’m resorting to redundance!). My mom has this husband that is like a huge child and I’m not exaggerating although I wish I was… The new place has a workshop in the back and he already is like MINE! All bratty child in a Toys-R-Us style. I think we all should be able to use the building since it will be like a garage and plus EVERYBODY is paying rent, but he wants to make it a Dale Earnhart Jr. shrine! I have a drum-set, a loud bass amp, and a surf board with no where to go in the house, while my mom has a keyboard, and me and my sister have a bunch of art supplies and easels that we can’t have in the carpeted house! But a Dale Earnhart Jr. shrine/redneck man-cave is more important then having a functional workspace/soundproof room to play music in without bothering the rest of the house! GAWH!

The Good:

So glad some awesome things have happened with all these downers!

I got to tour with my friend’s band!

 After reading Everybody Loves Our Town by Mark Yarm it has been a dream of mine. I worked the merch booth while they were busy being their rock star selves. It was super fun and a all over great time! I got to get away from my problems for a second, and I got to be a whole state away from my stalker and ex, see a new town, and meet new people. Coming home was hard though. I would have stayed there if I could!

I got a new car!

It isn’t technically ‘new’ since it is a 2003, but it is absolutely beautiful! It’s a Honda CRV. It’s sooo nice to drive something I’m not embarrassed to be seen in.. My first car I destroyed since I was a stupid kid. It was a 2001 Toyota Camry. I always hated the model look. It looks like a grandpa car! But it served me well and my grandmother was kind enough to buy it for me. I drove it for like 6 years. In those 6 years I banged it up in minor Oopsy accidents which never involved another car. It was mainly like night driving neighborhood accidents. I drove into a friend’s ditch missing their dirt driveway, and another time I spun out driving in snow for the first time. It also lost all it’s hubcaps, had stickers residue all over the back window (damn youth), little dings from other people’s car doors (Mommm!), and had a different color handle on one side (stupid ex boyfriend from 3 years ago!). It was so embarrassing when I used to clean a preschool and one of the teachers comes in and freaks out thinking someone is robbing the place after she sees my car in the parking lot! Or when I leave my car parked at ex-boyfriends work one time and his co-worker calls him afraid to leave the building thinking they are going to get mugged…Fun stuff! To add rat poison to my soda my DMV payment is due on my would be anniversary with Mr. Move out with NOT you! UGHH! Anyways driving a beautiful hunk of metal and aluminum now and couldn’t be happier!

I found my dream skateboard by chance!

I have been eyeballing the same deck for the past ten years. I actually was about to order it online a week ago. When I was on tour we went into a surf shop. I was drawn to the skateboards. It was like magnetism so something. I was just about to ask the guy if they had any reissued decks (retro for life!) when I see one and the one next to it is a 1986 Vision Marty “Jinx” Jimenez “Blind as a bat” pro model (get my user name now? Vision Jinx). I grab it in .0002 seconds and just carry the thing around the store like I’m Gollum from Lord of the Rings. My precious for sure! It was fate, the damn thing must be my soulmate. I’m madly in love!

I randomly bought a bike one day before work.

I have been wanting to get a new bike for a while now. I just one day decided to purchase one. It was a last minute decision. I didn’t care about the price but I ended up getting it half off! My car, skateboard, and bike are my rare precious gems right now!

I kicked the keg at a local bar and got a free shirt!

I wasn’t even going to buy that brand of beer, but couldn’t decide so I was just like
“I’ll get that” last minute. My friend paid and not only did I get a free shirt, my beer was half off too so I didn’t feel as bad he paid for mine.

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