It’s almost always a bad idea and is filled with emotional warfare. To me, it should be reclassified as a type of self-harm, because that is ultimately what you’re doing! It’s bitter sweet; you have the person who you once had such a connection with, but at the same time you DON’T actually have them!
My situation was interesting….
Everytime I’d see him he’d drunkly confess his love to me and tell me how awesome I am. I would never say it back or egg it on, I’d just be like “I know” and leave it at that. One day he was so drunk, and of course caring for him I drove him home. We ended up having sex. The next morning I felt so bad about myself for giving myself to someone who could, one: break up with me for the stupidest reasons, and two: actively try to replace me so early on. He had admitted to me that he was trying to hit on girls, but we had only been broken up for barely a few weeks. We were together for two years and you think you get over me in a few weeks? That hurt. I wasn’t trying to look yet. It wouldn’t be fair to start a new relationship when I’m not over the last one.
What happens next is we start having sex regularly again. To be clear I fought his advances 20+ times before I gave in. He had forced me to “give him a passionate kiss”, and I said no a million times. It was the worst kind of surrender. After I got over the shameful feeling we had “fun” for a couple of weeks, but there was sometime off the whole time. I never could pinpoint it. He continued to call me baby and even went as far as using the word soul mate at one point. It was all mixed messages, which is all I ever got from him. For the record, our relationship was over and there was no chance I was going to ever get back with him, so I wasn’t hopeful at all of reconciling during the hookups. We did had an agreement that if we were going to have sex that I better be the only one though, which he would repeatedly tell me in my ear, that I was.
…One day everything suddenly became not okay.
It all ended at a flash of a screen. My friend showed me a snapshot of his Tinder profile! That jerk was swiping left and right the whole time we had been having sex! I felt like the “just for now girl” until he found someone else. Oh the pain of feeling disposable! I called him out for it. Damn right I did! I texted him his profile description which was so tasteless. The last phrase was “come and get u some!”. Just wow! He texts me 4 days later telling me he doesn’t think we should have sex anymore (NO SHIT! Did you think I would after that?) And that he isn’t seeing anyone else but he is not going to “stay true” to me. Worst feeling in the world. I knew we weren’t together anymore but I figured our arrangement was better than some sleazy one-night stand. He was having sex with someone that loved him and cared for him, and to be honest, was the luckiest man in the world that he even got to have sex with me again after leaving me like he did! But he would rather want someone that potentially won’t talk to him ever again and possibly give him an std? It’s beyond me. Why tell me I’m the only one if what you really meant was I was just the only one for now?
I regret sleeping with my ex. My reasons are obvious:
- I hate that I gave myself to someone that showed me so many times that they weren’t worthy of me. He broke up with me because he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me. If they don’t know then it’s probably a no.
- I hate that I put myself in a position to be hurt. I should have not given in, but I forgive myself. He shouldn’t have forced me to be close with him either! I should have just left.
- I hate that hooking up with him again prolonged my healing and caused even more heartbreak. I made it take longer to move on and hurt myself along the way. Trust your gut, if it feels wrong than it probably is.
- If you don’t sleep with him, you have more power. It’s a great feeling to say no to someone not worthy of you. I once dated this guy briefly but was putting off sex until we got serious. He left me for his ex-girlfriend within two weeks of dating. It was a powerful feeling to know he never got to have me!
The awful truth: He’s likely only sleeping with you because he’s not getting laid right now. You’re just accessible to him because he’s slept with you before.
Don’t let him have his cake and eat it too.
He’s not worth the pain. It’s like a sunburn, getting close again to someone you thought you lost forever is like a day at the beach, the sun feels good on your skin at the time, but it hurts later when your skin is burned.
What I wish I did instead of sleeping with an ex? ANYTHING! I wasn’t ready to talk to other guys at the time, but am ready now. My advice would be not to jump in bed with someone else, but choose to heal instead. If you’re completely healed you will shine! Don’t give your gift of yourself to an ex, save it for someone else. Someone that is actually worthy of you.