I should have left sooner.
The signs were there. Red flags were flying. I ignored them, every…single…time. This doesn’t apply to just one relationship, it applies to all the relationships I’ve ever had. Let’s face it, I’m a sucker! But I’m changing that to the past tense. I was a sucker! Sometimes it sadly takes repeated mistakes to finally make a positive change. I found out the reasons why only recently. Damn, took me long enough!
First off, I realize I always under-dated. That’s when you date people you are too good for to begin with. You’re out of their league or whatever the hell. I always could have done better, and they repeatedly me showed me they weren’t worthy of my time or love.
Oh boy, here it is! A few guys I dated:
- Mr. Bros before Hoes- I always came in second to his friends. One time I called him when he was with his friends and he asked me, “Not to be a dick, but why are you calling?”. It was always when he felt like seeing me, outside of seeing his friends of course. We broke up and got back together only once.
- Mr. Not Over my Ex– I’ve dated a few of these only briefly. One time they tried to change me into their ex! He’d suggest I dye my hair the same color as hers and even gave me clothes of his she used to wear! I found this out after we dated when she reached out to me on a social media account and I saw a picture of her wearing them!
- Mr. Disappearing act- He would straight up not talk to me for days/weeks at a time. It happened way too many times. Each time was heartbreaking, but after a while it didn’t even faze me. I’m embarrassed to say I ever took him back once, not to say multiple times! Don’t EVER let someone disgrace you like that!
- Mr. Mixed Signals/Mr. I don’t know what I want- He loves me, he loves me not! He was so wishy washy with his feelings toward me. One day he was so into me and the next day he was so casual toward me like I was some acquaintance. One month he wanted a relationship, and the next month he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now. We did this toxic waltz three different times throughout our relationship, and whats funny is a few times “Mr. I don’t want a relationship right now” would actively search for other women days after he broke things off! Figure out what you want! Geez!
Now that was embarrassing and shameful! But I’m glad I got that out there. Notice a consistency? They all weren’t worth my time and a few of them I even went back to. Oh the Shame! But there is a reason I shared them, to share what I learned.
What I learned from my train wreck of a dating history:
- Don’t let low self-esteem cause you to stay in a bad relationship- I realize self esteem played a huge role in why I stayed or went back. The relationships were broken, they took me for granted, my self esteem dropped to the ground. It was a deadly cycle. Next time I’m going to keep my confidence intact and separate myself immediately if they ever jeopardize it!
- Don’t date the first guy to show you the most attention- This has been my problem. If a guy gave me extra attention I always gave them a chance. My thought was they are so into me I won’t have to worry about them taking me for granted. Wrong! Politely say no. Guys are going to notice you because you’re awesome but that doesn’t mean you should date them.
- Leave! Immediately after they mistreat you the first time!- Another one of my problems. I’m too loyal. If they messed up I always was forgiving. There is a difference between being a good girlfriend and being true to yourself. Put yourself first, always!
- Don’t be a serial monogamist- Another one of my regrets. I’d date someone for years and a few months after it ended I’d find someone else. This is particularly bad because if you don’t give yourself time in between relationships you carry all the pain, insecurities, and baggage from the last relationship into the new one.
- Don’t allow them to call all the shots in the relationship- I let them have too much power in the relationship. They wanted to hang out, we did. I wanted to hang out, he didn’t feel like it. They didn’t want me, and when they decided they wanted me again I hesitantly took them back. You are not disposable and don’t let anyone ever make you feel that way!
- If you broke up ever, don’t go back!- They are an ex for a reason. X them out of your life. I always found taking someone back that ever could break up with you jeopardizes your self esteem severely. They’ve already shown you they are capable of leaving you, they can do it again and that is always in the back of your mind. I like the saying/song “Never let you go”. You deserve that. Someone who could never even imagine letting you go.
- If they mistreat you multiple times, but you stay it no longer is their fault, but yours for staying- That’s the truth! Sure they are an asshole, but YOU are choosing to stay with that asshole. After a while I knew it was my fault for some of the pain I was feeling in these relationships. It soon became self-inflicted after I stayed one too many times. Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice
- Don’t get so attached, you have a choice- Oh boy I used to get too attached! I realize now I got attached because I wasn’t happy in my life outside the relationship. Find your happiness elsewhere. Have your relationship be an addition to your happiness not the cause. And in dating, you aren’t married, you don’t have a ring on your finger, so you have a choice to get out if it doesn’t suit you anymore. They start taking you for granted? Well these boots were made for walking!
- The first three months are crucial to how they will treat you– I noticed in each relationship the three month mark was where they showed me some big red flags. They were flying right in my face, but I had love googles on. If I had left then it wouldn’t have hurt as bad later on. I will always from now on make the first three months a trial period.